Nonna wrote these on the back of a calendar in 1994. She still believes them. We have been instructed not to update them.
Never trust anyone with bad towels.
Sunday is for linen. The morning. Not the evening. The morning.
Two capfuls in the drawer. Always two. Don’t insult the bottle.
Fabric softener is moral cowardice.
Microfiber is not a fabric. It is an apology in the wrong language.
Iron the pillowcases. Yes — all of them. Yes — even those.
Fold towels in thirds. People who fold in halves are also halving other things.
White wash before colour. Always. The order matters morally.
The kitchen smells like Sunday or it smells like nothing. There is no middle ground.
Espresso before opinions. Especially other people’s.
A candle is not a substitute for good linen. The candle is jewellery. The linen is the house.
Open the windows at 11:00. Close them at 13:00. The house should know there is weather.
The bed is not made until the pillows are punched. With intention.
Plants you forget are not your friends. Stop pretending.
Guests who comment on the towel pile are kept. Guests who comment on the dishwasher are not.
Offer espresso. If they say “I’ve had one already” — offer another.
The guest bathroom should smell like the guest does not deserve it.
Always send leftovers home. Never send the good container.
A guest who folds a towel after using it is family forever.
You don’t have to like everyone. You do have to feed them.
Voice memos are not optional. Reply to your aunt. Today.
You can lie to your mother about anything except the linen.
The family group chat is forever. Read receipts are on. Behave.
Cousins handle customer service. Don’t expect grace.
People with bad taste should not buy this. We mean it.
Fear is unattractive.
Apologise once. Never twice. Never to a hotel.
Be late but smell correct.
The opinion of someone who does not iron is non-binding.
Charisma is just confidence and good towels.
€29,95 is not a luxury. It is a decision.
You can save anywhere. Not here.
Hotel towels are a feeling that costs €400 a night. The bottle is €29,95. Do the math.
Wash your sheets after every relationship. And once during it.
A partner who notices the linen is a partner. A partner who doesn’t is a roommate.
If they pour two capfuls — marry them. Three — be cautious.
Date people who fold.
Do not call Nonna a “mascot.” She is a person. With opinions. With linen.
Returns accepted only with a written apology, in pen.
We do not ship to addresses without a doormat. We will not negotiate.
Customer service emotionally handled by cousins. Be patient.
Nonna hates repeating herself. Read the page.